Shopping at Wal-Mart with your kids

Something about shopping in a huge super center with my kids turns them into evil little trolls. Before we even get into the store there are at least 2 squabbles about exiting the car or which hand to hold. My nine year old son suddenly thinks he is a NBA star shooting baskets as he weaves in and out of unsuspecting senior citizens. My four year old daughter can't decide whether she can walk like a big girl or should hang dangerously on the side of the cart. 3 feet into the store there is one complaint of hunger and one emergency "I have to pee". 10 minutes later I pull out the trusty list and pray I get home with at least 60% of what is on it and spend under $200. There is nothing worse than having to explain jalapeno pickles to your husband! Avoiding the toy and the feminine isle like my life depends on it, my son begins his usual complaint of being too tired to walk. This is the same child who can play a championship basket ball game, win it, play 5 more hours at home with his friends, ride a bike and shoot BB guns into the night and never complain of being tired. Against my better judgement I let him push the cart with my daughter in it. This only leads to him being kicked in the groin as he slings my daughter around the corner at Nascar speed. With one now limping child and one crying, I keep on going.  Taking an inventory of what is in the cart I notice only 10% of the snacks are opened, 60% of the lis tis accomplished and  only 20% extra unknown and unneeded items, not too bad so far. I see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is NOT called "self-check out." I have been known to put up a good fight with the computer at the self- check out. I do not like to be told to replace items, put them in bagging area or have a checker summoned! I avoid self-checkout like the flu. I choose Fran who looks friendly. My kids begin to "help" me by putting items on the check out belt. My daughter slings fragile items and my son tries to lift the heavier items and dropping them. Fights begin on helping me and I separate them. As I begin to pay, I have noticed they have breached the designated safe zones and are playing tag next to the bench where all the tired senior citizens wait. I dash to retrieve my daughter who is close to knocking over a grandmother. Her fight or flight instincts kick in and she runs from me. I finally grab her and try to put her back in the cart as Fran has gone from friendly to fiendly. My daughter's leg wing span has grown 12 feet and is spread eagle refusing to get into the cart. All the while screaming "put me down." I plop her in the cart and she flings herself forward and hurts herself. I am sweaty, my son is sulking and my daughter is screaming, we call it day and go home. As we exit they instantly return to their sweet loving selves as if nothing has ever happened. Maybe it is the "super stupid center's" fault with too many lights, toys and candies making my children act like trolls..who knows, but until then I will enjoy my jalapeno pickles and expired yogurt. Just another day at Wal-Mart.